Why I stopped faking my orgasms and what it did for me
Naturally, I am a rather submissive person, which upon meeting me you would find that hard to believe because I act as if I am a tiger, ready to pounce on my consensual prey. I am vivacious, flirtatious, exhibitionist that exudes sexuality. I have no issue approaching someone and asking them if they want to have sex or whatever it is I may desire, but of course, I ALWAYS ask and continue to ask throughout. With all of this being said once I take you or whomever home, and we share that first kiss, that is where my dominance begins to dissipate. I turn from this furious creature to a submissive little kitten, just begging to be played with.
As a result of all this in my earlier years of sexual exploration, I found myself having, what I would playfully refer to as “Missionary Mondays” sex. What I mean by this is I was left on my back waiting for when sex was supposed to be good. Thinking things like, “am I broken”, “what is wrong with me”, or the always pleasant “what if I built sex up to be this phenomenal thing and it is not, or at least not for me”. I was terrified that something I was doing was not correct, because every film depicts these gorgeous orgasms that shatter reality and suspend those fucking in this earthly nirvana.
Thankfully, at the very young age of 15 I had a very caring partner, what he lacked in dominance he made up for in strength and love. I was always comfortable with him, so much so we discovered my bodies anatomy together to try to improve my pleasure and our sex life. I recall my legs bend which I lay on an ottoman side by side with a laptop displaying images and charts of anatomical vaginas. Even with that we still did not recognize the power of my clitoris until many years later. My first real orgasm was had through making out and drug humping. I remember grinding against his cock, faster and faster and suddenly BOOM! I could not think until my soul reclaimed my body, but I remember looking down after and seeing a half scared/half perplexed look on their face before they asked, “what just happened”?! I came….
This was so exciting but with my orgasm becoming a reality I faced new challenges things like lacking true arousal related to minimal foreplay or preparation of my body. Hearing the person I am with whisper, “cum for me” when I HAVE BEEN TRYING?! All I feel is the failure, like okay, just finish up because this is NOT going to happen for me. It is not in the stars today, sorry, but of course, you cannot say that. It is been asked of you, for this person to feel like they can cum or feel “successful” they have to check that box that says “made partner cum”. So you begin to work up your performance, convulsing your body and raising your voice until you are relieved of your duties once your partner informs you of their approaching orgasm. You think, thank god I can go pee and just move on from this shame. Because you really do feel shame, like, fuck, why could I not do this? My partner checked all the boxes, and did everything right but what is MY problem.
For many years, I did not value my orgasms as my own, but for someone else. Though in a kink setting or consensual setting this may be ideal, for my sex life this was really shitty and the shittier part was I did not get why. Why was my orgasm not a guaranteed achievement? It was not until I started masturbating, and masturbating for a couple of years where I learned how to swing the situation to favor MY orgasm. What I learned from masturbating came from the fact I am not a very visual person. I had to very verbally give myself direction. Things like, “Oh yes *insert name* I love it when you fuck me like that”, or “I love that big cock”, etc, etc. This made up for what I lacked in terms of mental picture. Then I began to realize it is very hard to orgasm when you are not willing to communicate.
I would relate the relinquishment of my voice related to my upbringing and my natural submissive attitude. With time, personal experience with myself, and age I finally said fuck it and have thrown the guidelines and limitations set onto me as a vulva owning person. I reclaimed my body and my pleasure, and that started with masturbating and has since grown to other tiers of sexual pleasure. Once I started masturbating, and playing with toys I learned what I needed and loved, to help myself along I was more vocal not just for myself, but for my partners. Even this does not guarantee me an orgasm or multiple. It does not change that some days I get so frustrated I cannot cum I punch a wall while I’m still riding someone’s cock. However, it has changed things enough to improve my sex life not just for myself but for my partner as well. I cannot count the number of partners who have truly thanked me for being so open, and relaying a message of desire for their partners or just society to communicate pleasure more. On the other hand, I have had partners who tell me things like, “I am an orgasm unicorn” (meaning they could make anyone cum) or “you are just hard to make cum, the last person had no issues”. Whether I am a supporting partner that is eager to learn or some shit ass who tries to shame me, I have gained a voice and speak out.
For those who pressure me or try to make me feel less because they are not willing to work with me or respect my body, I shut down the situation from a sexual one to an educational opportunity. I inform them about the 12 orgasms you gave the last one were not all real, and that is very likely these orgasms were to get you to stop pressuring them and let your partner just fucking enjoy themselves. Some take it to heart and others do not, but to anyone who feels shamed do not feel guilty for standing up for yourself and use your voice.
Empower yourself, and empower your partner, because knowledge is the fucking power even if it is for sex. Why is this empowering, because now I can teach someone that I really like how to be the best for me. Not everyone has cataclysmic connections or sheer raw talent. You do not lose the sexiness of a moment by saying please finger me harder or flick your tongue like that. If anything opening the lines of communication are stellar ways to spice up your sex life. Have you ever been out with someone and you just want them to make the decision about what to do because they have more knowledge about it? Like where to eat or what to see, well it’s the same for anyone who has taken interest in you. More often than not, your partner wants to please you in whatever manner that may be as long as its consensual. I think once you can reassure your partner and yourself that an orgasm is not the end all be all, you will be better able to perpetuate healthy ideas and goals around sex. Once the pressures off you can start having fun, and loving your sex life, perfect or not!